apron strings

i thought the crying would stop.

not so much.

yesterday, i attended one of the first kiddy birthdays since we won the greatest lottery. you know how you steel yourself before birthday parties for kids. especially toddlers? because what you want more than anything in the world is to be having one for your long waited child?

and so when you're there you start to tear up, and so you excuse yourself to go to the restroom. where you sit there. not having to pee. trying not to cry. so you think of happy thoughts. but it's hard. because you want a baby. and you don't have one. so what the heck is so happy in your life? really nothing.

by this time, you've sat there so long that you're afraid people think your doing something that's not very guest like. and taking up a much needed bathroom. after all there are kids around.

so there i was. at his well planned and joyous birthday party. what got to me. what really got to me, was this story teller that they had. she was amazing. she had all toddlers up on their feet dancing and singing. i wanted to join them. ; )

but it made me sad. and quiet and pensive. because i realized that we would be doing the same in a matter of months. achieving what i long thought was unachievable. a joy i would never know. and even worse a joy i could never give my husband.

it hurt. i don't know that it was sadness. maybe. for what we've been through.

but then. but then. i saw the cutest little girl. who was about the age cate will be next year. with brown hair like mine. and hazel eyes like mine. being held by her father. like cate will be next year.

it made me realize how far we've come. how happy we are. how all of you deserve this too. how so many of you are where i was only six months ago. how sad we were. how happy we will be.

and so i fudged a bit. and left thirty minutes earlier than i planned. to give me time to cry in the car. and give my red eyes time to recover. to once again hide an unknowable sadness. or a joy that honestly, no one, who hasn't experienced and then overcome infertility. every pregnancy is a joy. and a miracle. but there is no greater miracle than a pregnancy after you were told there would be no such joy. without thousands of dollars in strange men doing what should have only happened in your bedroom.

i thought that i was over infertility for the most part. the journey honestly seems shorter.

but as i sit here i am teary eyed. and so i know that o am not over it. though we are happy. oh.so happy. and in five years i wonder if i will be so tender on such occasions. i hope not.

and hope is all we ever have, right?

word to the people.

holy cow so much is happening. we are busy making preparations. for cate. we are making tons of progress in acquiring goods, etc. the nursery will be painted next week. as well our master suite. yea!

though we are not making much progress with a middle name! help! i heart suggestions. (if you are in the mood.)

general concerns-her middle name has to be short and begin with a vowel. i am going to add my last name (i kept mine when we got married) as a second middle. only on paperwork. i just don't want anyone to think that i am not her mother.

-catherine sophia (so popular almost to the point of boring)

-caterine isabel. same as above.

-catherine elizabeth-so formal don't ya think? but i love the idea of giving her the family nickname of izzy. 

-catherine aila. aila means grace. it's scottish. but i belong to the American Immigration Lawyer Association. weird, no?

-catherine anais is my favorite. k thinks it is pretentious. and reminded me that we are poor children from the south.

ANY ideas are appreciated.

i am a crafting maniac. okay, i am going to post pictures next week. i promise. my current project is a front carrier made out of olivia the pig fabric. i love her. really.

we went out with 'forty year old woman who wants to get pregnant but hasn't gotten referred to an RE in two years' last night. she kept asking about our baby.  i tried to only offer enough to not sound like i was holding back. which i was. of course my favorite thing in the world is to talk about c. so, it's hard for me. you know what else is weird? she has something negative to say about every.baby.in.the.neighborhood. such as "their baby's head is so big! and did you see him in that freaky helmet (he has crib head from SIDS prevention )!?!?!"  And, "what is up with his little brother? he is waaaayyyy to smaller?!? (he is 9 months younger!). Lastly, "what is up with the Daniel's youngest? he is waaayyy to small. seriously. (he is five months old!?!?!). maybe it's a coping mechanism. but she will not be seeing my baby for a loooonnnngg time. b/.c g-d forbid she say something.

must go sew. i am working part-time today. i need practice right?

so lightening does strike twice.

so, last night the two couples (the men came too-i LOVE my liberal town) who were kind enough to offer to share their nanny with us came over. which meant they walked across the street.

i have won a second lottery. listen to our now planned childcare-eight weeks of me, k or family keeping her. i will still go back part-time after three weeks at least 3 days in the morning (if i have to (don't throw me in that brier patch!) i will wear her and buy a portable crib for the office. and work a bit when i come home. but then. but then.

i will work 9-1 five days a week. for six months. part time. six months.

-the best of this

six months part time.

k will actually keep her one day a week for the full day most of the time.

she will be kept in my house or the house across the street. she will only rarely be in a car.

the nanny will only be watching one other child.

the nanny teaches them sign language in english and spanish.

we had budgeted for $2,000 a month for childcare costs-for worst case scenario.

we will only pay $500. yep, $500.

this is just so good to be true. you know, for the first time in my life, i've considered playing the lottery, because i clearly have some freakin' good luck. (though i am now increasingly worried that this is just too good to be true.)

an idea for protest on this mother's day.

idea: infertiles marking mother's day by launching tampons from moving cars and tall bridges.

inspiration: so, we were in tucson. where we met. ten years after we met. to the day. and, for the 24 month, my body announced, in red, that i wasn't again pregnant.  all the same feelings rushed thru my head. that it wouldn't happen. ever. that i was cursed. that the universe found me unsuitable for motherhood. that my body had failed for the 24 time.

the day i started, this a-hole in a big tucson truck, honked insanely at me because i didn't see him trying to pull out into the left lane in front of a sitting 18 wheeler. (wow, i guess i don't have xray vision). being my ever nice southern self, i rolled down the window (apologized !!!) (joke insert-Q: how do you make a southern woman feel guilty? A: step on her toes.) i told him that i didn't see him. he then called me a beotch.

he ended up behind me, just as i noticed the tampons on the seat next to me. that i had left the hotel to buy.

i then had the brilliant thought of unwrapping my handy o.b.'s and using the long blue string (perfect for launching!!) onto his windshield. i threw them overhead. they landed with a small thud on his windshield and slid down. i probably threw about ten while we were sitting at a light. they began to pile up on his windshield resting on the still wipers. i smiled with a sense of accomplishment.

you can imagine how utterly fulfilling this simple act was. how dare this guy be so hateful to me. on this day.

apparently, mr. meanine did not appreciate the tampon fireworks that ended on his windsheild. no siree.

he sped around me and yelled "YOU SLUT!" to which i responded "NOT ANYMORE I"M MARRIED."

seriously people. get your tampons. envision infertility's ugly face. and launch.

whaddya say?? who/what will your tampons land on??

on this too often dreaded day; a message of hope to my peeps.xoxoxoxoxooxo

Waiting for the Moon

My friend called today

   tears in her voice

Her period started

  and her dreams for a new baby are postponed

  yet another month.

I hold my infant to my breast

  eager mouth tugging and pulling

  little hands patting and stroking.

My eyes well up with tears.

How many days turned to months turned to years

  did I kneel and weep

  pressing my hands to my empty womb

  rocking on my heels

  pleading with cruel fate

"send me a living child?"

My womb wept bright blood tears

  as I felt my youth slip away

  moon after moon

  cycle after cycle

  month after month

  year after long year

My grief was indescribable

  unendurable

  mourning a child not yet conceived

  only wished for, dreamed of, prayed for.

And then later, mourning the children conceived

  but lost in pain and blood and tears.

Moon months, cycle songs, lovemaking, babylonging.

These are the things that defined my young womanhood.

eight years of eternal emptiness

  years defined by the Moon

By blood

By hope and by tears.

                  II

I have not missed those cycles

the moon rising within

the blood that defined my loss and failure.

My life has now become an hourly measure

and rather than by a lunar month

  I am   

defined by nursing

by a small demanding mouth

by the fullness of my breast

by rich sweet milk that drips from me

and flows life and love to my child.

I will not (cannot) forget, though,

the years my womb wept blood tears,

the months the shards

of grief began as my period started...

Lactating now, my body moves to another vision

another Time.

The moon tides no longer control me

I am bound to the Earth, to the small body

of another, to a warm mouth in the night that nuzzles

and seeks and heals my tattered soul

and pieces my heart together.

Pergonal and modern medicine gave me a child,

  but the child at my breast Healed my infertility.

by Kathryn Miller Ridiman

first published in Midwifery Today

updates and comments on comments.

you guys are great. i felt like maybe i sounded too snotty or ungrateful or made k sound that way. to repair his PR-you should know that his goal in life is to retire early with $$ in the bank for our family to become a principal in a struggling school. as in compton, CA.

he may be brilliant intellectually-but emotionally not.so.much. he knows that. he is a living example of the need for emotional intelligence. this makes being married to him sometimes tough. and demands a thick skin.

i took ALL feedback to heart. we began hugging for 60 seconds. it *does* make a difference. it would even be better to look each other in the eyes for that long-but i can't. yet. strange.

i made some phone calls and will be making an appointment today. we've decided for him to go on his own and for me to try self-help. we have to pay out of pocket and his counseling is $300./month.

he knows he needs to go, but he would never make the first appointment. though, i ma going to-and i know he won't cancel it. i told him that his getting help is nonnegotiable. which is basically what he told me before i went last december. which i needed to hear.

i am glad you all 'get' k. he is only as good as his success. or so he thinks. because his upward ascent has stalled, he views himself as an absolute failure. which is not okay. or true.

regarding the professional advice-CEO in waiting can't really pull strings at this stage-because k is already a marked man 'big dude form corporate who will achieve more than me.' g-d forbid the CEO in waiting do anything. nobody likes a teachers pet.

we have thought about his getting a MBA. and i think it's doable for not too much of a monetary investment. i think he'd get into Yale or the like (ivy grad schools are-or so they say-much easier to get into that their ungrad's.) then he could use that to pressure a local school like e.mory to give him $$. but we do have so many loans, i think around $160,000. no kidding. and his working in the field is basically free, easier on him and our family.

in two years, he will make more than the average MBA.

so, it's tough.

thanks for listening. really you guys rock.

oh, if you're the curious cat type, and you see teach for america's latest magazine, k gets a shout out. and you'd know who he is.

xoxoxo

why now?

so, i am scheduling marriage counseling for k and myself. (and i? i can never remember, would love a reminder).

k is a mess at the moment. he took a leap of faith with his  company which hasn't thus far worked out. k has many 'issues' but one of them isn't a lack of ambition or drive. not because he wants to better than anyone else, but that his success is, for better or worse, where gets his sense of self. as you might know, he went to an awful high school in rural and poor mississippi. somehow he managed to score perfect on the math S.A.T., got a scholarship to har.vard where he graduated with highest honors. he was also a finalist to be a rhodes scholar (as many of our former presidents were.)

k's parents were great in so many ways-but honestly, they sucked at allowing their children to be who they were. are. so they tried to make k into this touchy feely nonprofit/civil service guy. he very much wanted to get an M.B.A.-which they pretty much would have disowned him for doing. so he got a degree in english lit and a M.F.A. in writing.

which led him to teach in the blight of compton, CA, which he did love and was great at. (when the year started 90% of his eight-graders read on a third grade level-after a year with k-they were on or ahead of track.)

then he, with a partner, started what is now the largest charity watch dog group. at 26. he invented a formula that judges charities on how efficient they are with our money. (how much does it take them to make a dollar? some charities? it takes $1.50!)

anywho, so then he ended up second in command in one of the largest retailers in the world. he was second in command of their community giving department.

though for his entire life, he has wanted to be in business operations. he wants to deal with economics. the cut throat world of retail. when to order supplies, who to hire. how to motivate employees, etc.

but the cross over is nearly impossible. not to mention that it would mean starting over and a likely pay cut. but he wanted it. that bad.

then, he had the good luck and charisma to befriend the C.E.O. in waiting of this company. seriously, the guy adores k. this guy makes about 15 million a year and will soon run the 6th largest company in the world. they go for coffee! anywho, this guy told k that the way to make the switch would be to work in one of the stores. to "get closer to the business."

so, he left the corporate office to go work as an apprentice in a retail store. with people without so much as a college education. (no  judgment-but you can imagine the effects of that disparity). in college, (if you went) did you ever work, as i did as a waitress, with people who knew they were never going to get out of the working class? yep.

the plan was for him to work in the store for 4-6 months as an apprentice and then to become manager for a year or so and then return to the corporate office in a business operations capacity.

what no one-including us- planned on-was how much k would freak out the staff in the field. they do not get him. they all brag about his hard work, his ability to achieve every goal. but they don't know what to do with him. that we will likely leave a managerial position within a relatively short time, makes very few district managers want to put him in that position .

so, it's been a year. k works for people with no education. who are 5 years younger than him. with a paycheck that is smaller.

and there is nowhere to go from here. "hey, i couldn't manage to get promoted to a position that i was overly qualified to do but now i am ready to crawl back"

all of this equals one incredibly depressed, distant, sometimes openly hostile husband. one silent lacking in all intimacy marriage.

i can't be supportive anymore. have thought about leaving.

we're in a mess.

and poor cate. what a mess of marriage to be brought into. she deserves better.

god dammit. i am beyond upset.

fvck.

am making the phone call now.

i would rather be sewing.

i am all over the baby crafts. as if you thought anything else!

pictures will follow. i have lined up no less than 10 projects. i know crazy.

cate is a mess. like her father-who is stingy with his personal space (seriously, he gets all kinds of pissy when i ask him for more room in the bed) she does not, in anyway, like anything to touch her house. last night as i consumed more and more tortilla chips, and the panel on my maternity pants pressed a bit tighter on my stomach-ms. ma'am kicked and kicked. just like she does everyday on the way home from work, against a seat belt. hahahahahahahha.

anyway back to crafting! on the to do list:

--laminated bibs. (when-and it *will*-the day comes you can do this--soooo freakin easy and cheap.

--embroidered diaper covers.

--hooded towel, with embroidery on he hood.

--carrier with olivia the pig fabric. (she's a "strong pig who is passionate about art and ballet.")

-a sling with dick and jane pictures. (now with gender equality added. jane plays with trucks!)

--a nursery rhymed themed crib bedding set. i love this! i am making a quilt, sheets, bumper, girlie quilt for stroller, diaper bag, etc.

there are surely other things, but i can't remember. i need to prioritize.

and, um guess how much i care about work, housework, anything but sewing?

i'll post pics soon.

everything but the kitchen sink. which is a good thing since i puked in it for 10 minutes yesterday.

thank you all! such sweet, sweet, sweet comments. seriously, it made me teary eyed. not that any of you said anything about it-but i am taking it personally. and elizabeth, you're right. not everyone is the A type early over planner like me.

one, i don't care so much about a shower. it'd be nice, but not it's not the end of the world. i am really picky about what i want and i do not want a bunch pink frilly crap. and, i hate to say it, but if our wedding gifts were any indication..... God bless 'em, but my southern relatives don't get me. Aunt Katherine thanks so much for adding a rabbit adorned silver platter to my registry. i did forget! and who new that you could add things to it. and dear MIL! thanks for the grape wine silver platted kit! with my name on it. who doesn't need a cheese slicer, too small cutting board! and dear BIL i love the fake red bird! though, i am still confused as to it's use? a lawn ornament? (a side of bitter anyone??)

***

holy freakin pukeman! i can't stop. i puked or felt like puking for hours three times this weekend. i am in the 2nd trimester! i think it may be the earl grey tea i've been drinking. we'll see.

though, i've been feeling her move a bit. *sigh* *sigh* sigh* i hit snooze before work on saturday and she was all-i'm awake-let's play circus in this big dark place! so i got up. silly girl. she feels like a warm furry ferret in there. it's funny. k felt her kick for the first time yesterday. he said it was weird. but so sweet. i agree.

good friends needed. apply within.

i am so over always being the good friend. who throws the surprise parties, sends cards, flowers. sews for. baby sits for. throws baby showers

which is where the root anger of this post comes from. not to be-and i don't even remember how many exactly-but i have thrown umpteen showers. by myself. that looked professionally planned. in part because i am a good friend SIL, cousin....because i liked it, but also because i very much wanted to show my friend, SIL/cousin that i care about them and supported their entry into motherhood.

you know how many people have EVER thrown me a surprise party ? NONE. not even k. it's no big deal, i've thrown five. or even bothered to get a group of people together for my birthday. not once. i get cards from maybe two people. i have never-not once-gotten flowers from k (without asking) or anyone else through sickness or whatever. ever! i can't even tell you how many times i have sent flowers, cards, handmade gifts. oh! and i have given more gift certificates than i know what to do with. you know how many i have gotten in the last 15 years from anyone other than my mom? ONE.

yep, i'm the friend who stood for HOURS in the freezing rain last winter for my friend WAVING AT CARS-to get people to vote for her for judge.

i don't do it because i want something back. i really don't. but you know, how hard would it be FOR ONE PERSON to do something nice for me. just one freakin time????

of course, no one (except one dear friend-which i'll get to in a minute) has even asked when i might be having a shower. and i kinda get the feeling, that the people i have thrown showers for (one two weeks ago. i feed 20 people, had my house cleaned, cooked for 1.5 days to prepare, BTW). have seemed to disappear suddenly.

i honest to god don't notice when people don't send me bday cards-whatever i'm a big girl. and i don't want every single person that i think of and offer kind gestures to-with regularity to do something at every turn. but is it too much to ask for the participation of i dunno-three people??? you know how freaking happy that'd make me!?!?!?

so, my one dear internet friend-JANIMAL- who is like me-a good friend to have-who has only known me for a handful of months has offered to throw me a shower-before i even mentioned it. but i won't let her. she honestly hasn't known me long enough and it's not her deal. though, ms. janiamal i love ya.' oh, and guess which friend bought me the only gift certificate in the last 15 years? yep.

i just feel like a chump. i am so freakin nice. maybe i am too nice. i mean, i stand up for myself, and don't take crap from people. but there just must be something about me, that makes people think i don't need their support? makes me forgettable?

of course i don't care about the shower presents. i care about being cared about.

you know, i just know that you all our friends like me, thoughtful friends. thoughtless friends wouldn't comment and show so much support through this blog.

so, i know you feel me on this one.

maybe i'll just turn into a thoughtless wench?

***

ETA- that now that i think about it-i know it's not *me* i know that people are busy and just not as thoughtful as i am. i may have a million personality traits-but i know that i at least have that one going for me.

and i know lots o people all over the place, but i don't mix my friends. i have lawyer friends, non-lawyer professional friends, college friends, neighborhood friends, etc. and i have waaayyy to many guys friends., i am sure that they all either haven't thought about it- or assume that someone else is throwing us one.