apron strings

A Rose is A Rose By Any Other Name.

Unless you name her Roselei and she gets asked for the rest of her life if she was named for the character in Twilight. And then she is a real pisser. 

Thanks for all of your name suggestions. The names in the comments in my blog have been the best source so far. 

I am struggling to say the least! I know I have 18 weeks -but it will take me 16 to make all the cute things with her name on it. Eeeck. Help. 

Requirements:

No names that begin with K or C. 

Must be cute. And work for an adult. I heart classic names with a cute nickname. 

Cannot be a top ten name-no Madision, Isabella, Sophie/Sophia, etc. Which is too bad cause I love those names. 

I don't mind popular-but I don't want too popular. Cate/Kate was in the 45th 

In the mix-

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Rosabella/Rosebel nn. Rosie

Elisabella nn. izzy, or bella (I nixed this b/c it sounds made up-even though it isn't and is too close to isabella which is number 2 in the country)

Kennedy-K! AAggghhh!

Abigail- I love the Abbi but hate the 'gail.'

Olivia-but I knew an Olivia- in the 7th grade who got pregnant. So, nope. 

Anna-love it. But Cate's middle name is Annalis-so......

Ella-too popular. 

Addison-sounds too much like most popular name in the country-Maddison. 

Claire-K sound

Caroline-my best friend just named her baby that. 

Gracie-love it-but it's too popular. 

Tia?

Eliott-I do like that. what would the nn be?

Simone. I like it. It sounds a little less feminine than I would like. 

Betsy-I like that a lot. What could it be a nickname for?

Anabelle-but is that too close to Annalis? 

See, HELP ME. 

Please. 

Pretty please? 

Why Am I The One Who's Embarrassed?

So, yesterday I went to see my psychiatrist, the specialist in pre & post-natal mental health whom (who? $150,000.00 education and I still don't effin know)(Niobe? anyone?) I've seen for nearly three years. 

I hadn't seen him since I found out that my husband had sex with a stranger. Two days after we saw our baby's heartbeat for the first time. I had cancelled twice before and only went this time because I was almost out of my anti-depressant and I figured now wasn't the time to stop taking it. 

I blew off the other appointments because I couldn't get out of bed in time. Though, I couldn't sleep either. I also realized yesterday that I dreaded-dreaded telling him. And because I live with depression and am pregnant and a mother-I must. 

Maybe we shouldn't be-but my shrink and I are friends. We've talked at length about how 'heavy' our jobs are-how we carry around so many secrets and the troubles of our clients. How awesome his three sons are and how his wife is the boss of him. Our in-laws, student loans, etc. 

I felt like Hillary Clinton-how fvckin embarrassing. Hi, my name is Christina, I am an attorney who lives in a nice house and goes to church on holidays.  And my husband has sex with married high-school principals. On campus. I don't mean that "I am too big time" for my husband to have sex with a stranger. Or maybe I do. I just never thought there would be this much Jerry Springer in my life. 

It was cool that I could tell him who this high school principal lady is. I did to him what so many of my clients do to me-unload their secrets. He couldn't believe it either. 

I also told him that even before all this happened I had started feeling 'heavy.' It was becoming harder and harder to get out of bed. At first I thought it was pregnancy fatigue-but after months of feeling 'heavy' I realized that my depression had set in once again before my husband had sex with a stranger-and obviously this had made it worse. 

I say obviously-honestly-I didn't realize how depressed I really was until I took "Beck's Depression Inventory"  This is for a lot of reasons but namely my mother doesn't believe in depression. And despite the fact that her husband, my dad, and my dad's dad's tried (and one did) kill themselves with a firearm- she really thinks that 'people are about as happy as they make themselves....." And if they went to church they would feel perfectly fine. So, I've internalized that dangerous belief and honestly just feel like I am being lazy when clearly it's depression. 

Anyway, I am rambling. I don't have time to write an organized post. I just want to say that it sucked having to tell someone I like and respect that my life is a live Jerry Springer episode. And that being depressed is miserable enough when you don't have anything to be sad about.....

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I just now agreed to go to marriage counseling. I wanted him to get his act together before I would even entertain a reconciliation. Our first appointment is tomorrow. Joy! I get to talk about it again. 

I am about to post a new post on the PWP blog. Everyone who has asked should have the PW by now. If you don't -email me. As always, thanks for reading. 

Heaven Help Us.

 I am so excited Shiny is a girl. Two girls seems easier. Definitely cheaper. While I was terribly worried* about Shiny until I saw that she was just fine....my honest-to-God first thought upon finding out Shiny's a girl...."OMG-awesome-I don't have to buy a thing; Less money and time!!!" 

It's funny how practical I've become with my second child. With this pregnancy. Mostly out of necessity. We bought her furniture off of craigslist-it's a $2,000.00 set-real wood from Italy-that we paid $800.00 for-but still. Craigs.list.   My mom asked me what color we were going to paint the nursery-and I thought ..."whaaaa....paint the nursery?" and looked at her like she'd gone off the deep-end. However, K is going to paint it. Because it's a small room and we have a gallon of paint left over from another project. I know. Awful!

This makes me feel incredibly guilty. And that's separate and apart from the ton o'guilt from a surprise SECOND pregnancy.  

All in all, I am so.so.happy. Two baby girls. ((SIGH)).

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*don't EVER. EVER. read a blog about a pregnant woman who goes into her 18 week u/s to find out that her baby is incredibly sick the night before your 18 weeks u/s. When you've been stressed out of your mind b/c of your stupid husband's cheating and you've not been eating right. And worry everyday that the stress has endangered your little one. Seriously. Click.Away. 

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Friday Insights.

Soooo......this Friday is the anatomy scan.  Assuming we have a cooperative baby-we should be able to tell the gender.

I think it is a girl. I don't know why-I just do. Which I am ok with-of course. It be neat to have one of each.  But two girls would rock too.  It will save us so.much.money.  Though, I think a boy and Cate would fight less. And since they are going to be 18 months apart.......

Either way-I am just so excited to know even more about this little person.

I've started thinking about names....naming Cate, "Cate"--complicates things. I love-LOVE- Nathenial-but, um "Nate and Cate!" doesn't sound so grand, eh? I also like Natalie. I also like Graham-But then they'd be "Catherine Graham."

I sort of did all I could on Cate's name. That's all I had. In fact, I wish I could use her middle name for baby two's first name. No, I am not kidding. But I think they would eventually figure it out. DAMMIT!

Do you think shiny is a little girl or boy? (I would do a poll-but we both know I am not as cool nor talented as Niobe.)

Care to share some names? If I choose it--I'll use it to name my second born!!! And mail you some chocolate!

Sooooooo.

My friend's baby does have to have open-heart surgery. BUT-apparently it's 'not as big of a deal' as you and I might think. It's scary as hell-but the success rates are incredibly high-and little one's recovery won't take as long as we thought. In fact, little one will only be in the hospital for four days. 

Which means that my friend won't have to put off her residency again. My poor friend. She won't say it-but now that her surprise baby is here-I don't think she wants to be a doctor. Or at least not enough to justify working 90 hour weeks for three years. But when ya got $180,000 in loans......

K and I are doing great. He's in counseling, I'm in counseling and he is really, really, trying. He even read "The Five Languages of Love." I asked him too, of course, but still. It is the cheesiest book on the planet that YOU MUST READ.  The guy's theory is that not all of us receive love the same way. So if our partners show love by cooking, "an act of service," and we need our partners to tell us that they love us "words of affirmation"--then we all end up frustrated. It.is.so.cheesy. And written on a seventh grade level--but I am telling you everyone I know who has read agrees-it will change your relationships. 

Even though we are doing great-I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am worried sick that he is just doing what it takes to "fix it."  Or that there is something I don't know.  I still have a hard time believing that it was one time. Though he swears. And admits that he would have done it again had I not caught him. And he told me other things that I would have never known. And he's been completely transparent. 

Right now I am trying to mourn the loss of our marriage-in a way-and just concentrate on Cate and Shiny.  I remind myself often that just because I have stayed for the moment doesn't mean I can't leave in six months. Or next year. 

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Many of you have emailed me for the PW and I just haven't gotten around to it. Sorry! And I am so behind on reading everyone's blogs. Bad blogger. No cookie. 

 

 

I'm Back.

I apologize for my lack of blogging. I've been out of town and working and living. 

Two weeks ago I went to see my friend who had her baby at 26 weeks.  What a cute tiny little one.  You forget how little a little baby is.  She's doing okay-but some serious scary is on the horizon.  She has a heart defect-which millions of people have. Which wouldn't be a big deal and wouldn't require surgery--were she not a preemie who lived off of an oxygen tank for months.  Something about constricted blood vessels.  Anyway-she will have to have heart surgery either now or when she is three.  

If it is now-it will be open heart surgery. At three-it would be an out-patient surgery. An eight pound baby having open heart surgery.  Which is terrifying. As is my friend, who's scheduled to be a resident,  trying to start paying back $180,000.00 in loans because she would have to forgo her residency to nurse little one back to health. Not to mention that my friend is so stressed from the past year that I could feel her stress when she sat near me. Blech. So please pray if you pray. Or send a warm wish into the universe that the surgery can be delayed until she's three. Until it won't have to be open heart surgery.

This past weekend K, Cate and myself went to NYC.  What a needed escape.  Cate must be the most easy going baby in the universe.  Despite her lack of a schedule, no naps, and eating odd food-she giggled nearly the whole time. K spent every minute trying to be the husband I know he can be. That we both deserve.  

So, I'm back. We're doing 'ok' and OMGAWD we're going to have two children in 4 months. 

 

Let's Talk About The Weather.

So, I *think* things are getting back to normal in Atlanta. Though, more rain is expected.

My poor assistant's sister-mother of three-32 weeks pregnant with baby four.  Who is on bed rest because all of her babies have been born before 34 weeks-has been trapped in a flooded neighborhood.  They finally got a family friend to drive in with a huge S.U.V.--over other neighbor's yards-to get her and the kids out. They were running out of food and she couldn't sit there worrying about what they would do if she went into labor. She and the kids are okay--thank goodness. 

My mom and I are pretty sure that my brother spent the night in his truck. His cell phone charger isn't working. I told him he could stay with us-of course-but he said he was going to keep trying to get home until he got too tired to drive.  And not to worry about him-and said that that was another advantage of having a redneck brother with a truck.  Here is a picture of one of four roads to his house: (and this is about a mile before this road gets to his neighborhood.)

This is a picture-of someone's BACK YARD. That hadn't previously been bordered by a body of water. It just looks violent.

I think one of the reasons that the flooding caused so much damage and chaos-is that we don't know how to deal with floods in the Southeast-in general.  No one I know-my mom-grandparents, etc can remember flooding like this--here. Maybe flooded yards, etc-but not life threatening floods.  Had there been a chance of snow-we'd have all had food etc. I didn't even know that parts of Atlanta were flooding-until I saw coverage on the Today Show. Or, had the weather produced tornadoes-we'd all have known what to do. 

Cobb County faces a ton of criticism-because they didn't close schools on Monday-until mid-day.  Schools were evacuated-when the water was at least knee-high to kindergartners.  At least at the school they showed on the news. I think that school is now completely under water.  When they did get the kids on the bus-they then proceeded to take them to flooding neighborhoods. To empty houses. (As far as I know-all of the little one's are safe).  It's clear that Cobb-and probably every school system in the state hadn't planned for a flood.  Ever. 

As I type this-it occurs to me-that I have no idea what to do if I thought my yard/neighborhood was really flooding.  Would you? Spill. 

When It Rains. It Pours.

Thanks for all the emails-Cate, k and I are fine. We are the lucky ones. My family, nanny and assistant's houses were flooded. 

You probably don't know-but it's been raining in Atlanta since last Tuesday. My brother's town got FIFTEEN INCHES in a week. A week. Our town, Decatur, got six inches-YESTERDAY. 

A lot of the metro Atlanta area is under water. Literally. Under water. 

Though our county has now been declared in a "state of emergency" our house is fine. 

Most of my brother's neighborhood was evacuated-thank goodness that his family's house is on a hill. But my brother couldn't get home to his wife (there are over 100 closed roads in his county. And, a bridge that he needs to cross to get home has washed away) and children so he stayed with us. His poor wife was a bit creeped out about staying alone with two small children in an empty and flooded neighborhood. 

The whole thing is so crazy. Like most cities- Atlanta has major arteries into the city-one that runs North and South, one highway that goes EW and one that runs along the perimeter of the city. For the past three days A PART OF EACH HAS BEEN CLOSED IN BOTH DIRECTIONS. Can you imagine? 

But of course, the people who have died (I think 9 at last count-one two year old... )  and the many, many people who've lost everything. Of course the areas hardest hit-are one of the poorer-hardest hit by the recession- areas. So flippin sad. 

The rivers & creeks were supposed to crest last night-and while it is still supposed to rain for the rest of the week it's not supposed to rain all day everyday like it has been. 

What To Speak When Your Friend Experiences The Unspeakable

i.e. What to say to your friend when their spouse has an affair. Like infertility- even well-meaning comments can burn. What you'll notice is that-all of you say the right things in the comments. Funny, huh? Though, after all these years of great support and advice- I shouldn't be surprised. 

How To Support Your Betrayed Friend/Mother/Brother/Sibling/Colleague When Their Significant Other Has An Affair

SAY. 

1. This wasn't your fault. (Study after study shows this.) Happily married people have affairs everyday. Ask them "Were you ever unhappy? Did you cheat?"

2.  Of course he is selfish/thoughtless/evil/a jerk. i.e. validate, validate, validate. 

3.  You couldn't have known. Affairs demand deception. 

4. That they are about to find out how strong they are. That you know this about them. 

5. Tell them to get individual counseling. 

6. Tell them that you will support them whether they leave or stay. 

7.  Tell them that if there are details about the affair that they don't want to share with anyone else--that they can with you and you will be their vault. 

8.  You didn't deserve this. 

9. This is about him/her and *their* emotional problems. 

10. No, you're not weak if you consider staying. (but only if they say it first). Lots of marriages survive infidelity-when the cheater is remorseful, honest and willing to change--and proves this willingness with action. 

11. You have every right to walk away-children or not. (but only if they say it first-I am beating a dead horse-no?) 

12. You are not alone. (the best support I've found by far is www.survivinginfidelity.com)

13.  Of course it's okay for you to leave/stay--but only if they say it--i.e. don't recommend either-just validate. 

14. Tell them not to leave the house-they didn't have the affair-their s/o did. (and this has legal consequences). 

15. Tell them that it's okay to want to burn the cheaters clothes/fire bomb their vehicle, to confront the other person in person--but urge them not to because this can have horrible legal consequences-especially in regards to custody. 

16.  Tell them to talk to a divorce attorney whether or not they intend to divorce. The best one in town (it will conflict the cheater out of the best attorney, show the cheater that they mean business-and if someone has cheated on you--you don't know what else they've done-plus, obviously, they don't have your best interests-or your children's in mind.) They'll pay up to $400.00 for a consult--but it will be the best money they spend. And the fact is-if you find out you are married to a cheater-you have to consider divorce. 

Do.

1. Invite yourself over the first night after d-day--and bring food.  You may have to force it-the last thing I wanted was to entertain anyone-and I almost told them not to come-but I was so happy they did.  This would never would have occurred to me to do for a friend in my situation--but I can't tell you how much it saved me when two dear friends did this for me.  

I hadn't eaten or slept in over 24 hours-and I wanted to just go to bed and cry myself to sleep. 

Two dear friends-one with a home cooked meal (enough to last for days) and another with fries, chocolate and ice cream showed up. Oh, and animal crackers in case "I wanted to bite the head off of something." I can't tell you how much that night meant to me--it was the best meal I'd ever had in my life.  They also made fun of all his emails- to his mistress-and helped me change all his email passwords to unflattering names. Believe it or not we laughed for a long time. I went to bed knowing that I wasn't alone. And that I was very much loved. 

2. Tenderly try to imply that they aren't being advocate for themselves if they aren't."Hmmmm....do you think you are sticking up for yourself? Is what he doing to you fair?"  Women, especially, are bad not to stick up for themselves or hold the cheater accountable. 

3. Call them often. My brother calls me everyday and if I don't pick up-leaves this voice mail " Hey Chris, it's your bro-I know you can't/may not be able to talk but if you want to I'm here. You don't have to call me back-I know you're busy-but I am going to call everyday just in case you need to talk."

4. Invite them places just in case they don't want to be alone-for the first time in a long time- but understand if they say no-and keep inviting them. 

5. Give them my email if they want someone to talk to- christina.apronstrings@gmail.com.

Don't

1. Say you know exactly how they feel-because thankfully you don't. 

2. Suggest that they 'try giving staying together a chance' or that "at least you can work it out" or "do it for the children." Because, this makes the betrayed feel like the worst thing that's ever happened to them--doesn't matter. And we are already thinking this. If not beating ourselves over the head with it. 

3. Say that you know what you would do-because you don't. 

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There is a new post on my PWP blog. 

I am behind on sending out the log in information. But if you want the PW and haven't emailed me in the last week please do at: christina.apronstrings@gmail.com. 

 

 

Shiny Shines

So, I had my first trimester screening yesterday. It's a blood test and ultrasound to look for risk factors of genetic issues. Namely, downs.  

(By the way-it's noninvasive and every pregnant woman should have one. (barring a few circumstances that could lead to a false 'positive screen.') There is a myth that you should only get screening if you would terminate-which is, of course, insane.  Because if your baby does have downs or a major heart defect the sooner you know the better-what if you need a specialist on hand at the birth? (Sorry for the soap box-no bloggers have but on a pregnancy board I go to--someone's always busting out with that myth and it drives me insane.))

ANYWAY! Shiny looks great. He's all happy in there. Growing right on track. By the way-I don't know if it is a boy or a girl. I have always thought shiny was a boy-and I hate the thought of calling my baby 'it.' There is a great crotch shot that makes shiny look like a girl. And one that makes Shiny look like a boy. At this point it's just too hard to tell. I remember reading somewhere that at this stage-their genitals are forming and so a girl's labia could be very swollen. 

It looks like Shiny might be a a tad more chill than Cate. I can't remember if I ever blogged about this or not-but Cate has-since her conception-had issues with personal space. When I was pregnant with her-she would kick the seat belt constantly-the whole way home. And the nurses laughed and laughed because she kicked and kicked the doppler. 

So Cate's first screening ultrasound took well over AN HOUR LONGER than Shiny's because getting her to quit kicking and punching the ultasound thingy took forever. In fact, they tech had to walk away and then do a quick sneak attack. 

Shiny's was over in twenty-minutes. 

What's comical about the whole thing is that Cate is still that way. She will not be constrained! Just try tying a balloon to her arm. She goes ape crazy. And she loves balloons. 

Anyway, Shiny is great. And Shiny. 

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There is a new post on the PWP site. 

As of the time of this post-I have emailed everyone with the password who has asked or an email asking for me information. If you have not received an email from me than I probably missed yours-so please do let me know and I will get it to you. Email me at christina.apronstrings@gmail.com