i thought the crying would stop.
not so much.
yesterday, i attended one of the first kiddy birthdays since we won the greatest lottery. you know how you steel yourself before birthday parties for kids. especially toddlers? because what you want more than anything in the world is to be having one for your long waited child?
and so when you're there you start to tear up, and so you excuse yourself to go to the restroom. where you sit there. not having to pee. trying not to cry. so you think of happy thoughts. but it's hard. because you want a baby. and you don't have one. so what the heck is so happy in your life? really nothing.
by this time, you've sat there so long that you're afraid people think your doing something that's not very guest like. and taking up a much needed bathroom. after all there are kids around.
so there i was. at his well planned and joyous birthday party. what got to me. what really got to me, was this story teller that they had. she was amazing. she had all toddlers up on their feet dancing and singing. i wanted to join them. ; )
but it made me sad. and quiet and pensive. because i realized that we would be doing the same in a matter of months. achieving what i long thought was unachievable. a joy i would never know. and even worse a joy i could never give my husband.
it hurt. i don't know that it was sadness. maybe. for what we've been through.
but then. but then. i saw the cutest little girl. who was about the age cate will be next year. with brown hair like mine. and hazel eyes like mine. being held by her father. like cate will be next year.
it made me realize how far we've come. how happy we are. how all of you deserve this too. how so many of you are where i was only six months ago. how sad we were. how happy we will be.
and so i fudged a bit. and left thirty minutes earlier than i planned. to give me time to cry in the car. and give my red eyes time to recover. to once again hide an unknowable sadness. or a joy that honestly, no one, who hasn't experienced and then overcome infertility. every pregnancy is a joy. and a miracle. but there is no greater miracle than a pregnancy after you were told there would be no such joy. without thousands of dollars in strange men doing what should have only happened in your bedroom.
i thought that i was over infertility for the most part. the journey honestly seems shorter.
but as i sit here i am teary eyed. and so i know that o am not over it. though we are happy. oh.so happy. and in five years i wonder if i will be so tender on such occasions. i hope not.
and hope is all we ever have, right?


