apron strings

Moments Greater Than Me. (*Update*)

When I was pregnant with Cate and still healing my wounds from infertility-by living in fear of losing her-I had moments. 

Moments where everything just seemed to right with the world.  My favorite were when I swam in our gym's pool, listening to relaxing music on my ipod.  Every time, Apron Strings would come on, I would roll over to my back. And close my eyes. There I'd float, feeling a mass inside me, knowing that finally, finally I'd "have someone tied to my lonely apron strings..." The enormity of the joy that I hoped was coming made my teary eyed every time. Occasionally, a few tears would trickle down my cheeks into the pool's crisp water. 

Those moments seemed so large. Larger than graduating from law school or passing the bar-no moments in my life could ever even come close to those I had while trying to get my mind around the joy I hoped loomed. 

Nothing before in my life could compete with those moments-until-last night. 

My girls our on opposite schedules-as soon as I get Cate down for the night and finally sit down for the first time all day---Rosey comes alive. She's head down and likes to kick and punch and let me know that she's around. 

Cate, after sleeping for a couple of hours, woke up crying-which is rare for her. So, I went and checked on her and her with her sky-blue eyes demanded "upt! upt!" I did pick her up and I rocked her.  Before long both girls were still. Perfectly embraced in a peaceful sleep. 

I just felt such a wave of peace. I sat there rocking and listening to Cate's small breaths-I felt the still weight of Rosey. Knowing that I've ended up with two little beings-who mean everything to me-gives me a peace like no other. 

I realized that all the stress I've been feeling is for naught-if my Cate and Rosey are okay-the world could collapse around us and I'd still have everything I need. 

_____________________________________________________________

Apron Strings 

by Everything But the Girl

P.S. Ultrasound tomorrow to look at her heart. It is a precautionary measure because when I deliver I will be "of advanced maternal age" and because I am still on the medication I was when I had Cate. There's been no indication of any problems-but as you know-you always worry. 

UPDATE~Ultrasound was awesome. I must have been worried-because I literally slept all of two hours last night. She is measuring right on-and **her heart is perfect.** I just can't believe that all the stress that I've been under doesn't seem to have effected her. I mean, I am glad-so, so, so, -glad that it hasn't. I am sure our bodies are made that way. 

My PSA for the day-*when* (Hey, no one says I can't hope for you.) you are pregnant and given the chance for NONinvasive genetic prenatal testing-TAKE IT. I think most of you would-but there's this stupid rumor that if you wouldn't terminate the pregnancy under any circumstances you shouldn't bother-which is insane. As we all know-or should-whether or not you terminate is irrelevant.  Genetic testing tells you so, so much-were I going to have a higher chance of a special needs baby-I'd like to know so that I could read up on preparing our home, lives and families-or, if we're going to need a specialist on hand at her birth-I'd like to know that sooner rather than later. That's all. (she quietly steps down from soap box).

She Who Is Now Named.

We finally decided on a name. A first name at least. We decided that we liked the nickname Rosey first. In fact, weeks ago. 

No one will know of any of the names we pick because people in my life don't use their filter enough. When I told a dear friend of our chosen nickname, Rosey,  she wouldn't shut up about what a horrible idea it was to name a child after Rosie O'Donnell. Which we aren't doing-and hello! I wasn't ASKING you what you thought. When I told my mom of a middle name that we really liked and OMGoodness-ye who name children 'Peter Alvin' needn't be so quick to criticize the names chosen by other parents. Especially when the dear mother of the parenting duo is your own daughter.  

By the way-I like Rosey-because my dear friend from college, Rebecca, once dressed up as Rosie the Riveter-for a Women's History Month float. I dressed up as who knows and during our senior year-sadly one of last times together-rode a float all around the University of Arizona. Rebecca died suddenly a few years after we graduated. I would have used Rebecca in her honor but I miscarried a baby that I had planned to name Rebecca.  At Rebecca's funeral. 

Rosey is almost twice as nice to honor my friend Rebecca. Becky, a true Arizona girl-once slept on my couch with a shot gun, after the police left,  the night I caught a peeping tom standing outside my window. Where "biological" material was later found.  So, like Rosie the Riveter, she was tough as nails. 

 

Who in their right mind would criticize an expectant mother's carefully chosen name? Idiots, I tell you. I put my foot in my mouth at least weekly-and even I-have never criticized a name or even thought of feedback unless asked. 

So, alas only you, my dear five readers and K, and Cate, will know until she is born. Then they'll PRAY GOD have the decency to not even THINK of their irrelevant opinions.* 

I searched and searched for some sort of Rose name. I don't like "Rose" by it's lonesome. K's last name-and so hers will be-almost as common as Smith. Plus, Rose is a common middle name. Poor Rosey is already getting second shift-Catherine Annalis to "Rose" would exemplify that.  

The trouble is I just don't like the Rosabel's, Rosebella's, Roselei's....etc. Too girly. Or bella-esq. Are Twilight inspired. We almost choose Annarose-because it's German like yours truly and let's be honest I really want to name Shiny, my second daughter, ((sigh)) my first born's middle name-Annalis. 

I went to several baby names sites and begged for names befitting of a 'Rosey' nickname. 

At least 40 variations were offered. None that I liked. Especially, as one woman suggested, "Primrose." It sounds so stuffy. Probably because there are snotty overpriced private schools in Atlanta named Primrose. The "Prim" sounded so PRIM and proper. 

K loved the nickname "Rosey" but really was not found of the 'Rose' variations either. I finally forced him to sit down and choose something. He read all the responses-and immediately zeroed in on "Primrose." The difference in his response reflected the fact that he graduated valedictorian from high school and I graduated with 1.8 G.P.A. (I did eventually graduate with a 3.8 from law school so take that you silly Georgia public school system.)

K informed me that "Prim" means first in latin. The flower Primrose is named so because it is the "first rose of spring."**

That she'll be delivered via a scheduled c-section on the first day of spring is just a sweet little something. 

So, Primrose it is. 

______

I apologize for the lack of brevity-I wanted to type this so that I'd remember it to tell her. 

I've just made a client wait 15 minutes so that I can finish this. So, no editing. I just am so excited and wanted to tell someone. You. 

__________________

*How is anyone's bias based on one celebrity's anger management issues and their homophobia relevant to a sweet little girl nickname, "Rosey?" Yes, I am bitter. 

**A primrose is not actually a rose. Maybe if my Primrose is more of a bitter root this will give her an out. Have I ever told you that my middle name is VIRGINia?

True Remorse Stems From Ownership-And ~That's~the Hard Part

It finally occurred to me why "it's so effin hard" for K to "apologize!" A question I asked him not to long ago. Sometime after I discovered his betrayal, I'd told him-that to forgive him-I'd need him to apologize. A lot. 

Because nearly everyday-his horrific acts impact my day in some way.  Less now, but still. For instance, recently we met a couple who live in a school district where we might move before Cate starts school. Later I learned that our potential new friends and potential neighbors are friends with one of my closest friends-the lawyer I share office space with. Who knows about K's betrayal. As does his wife. I *think* I can trust them not to spill-but what if they do? These are friends whose children will know mine-they'll be in our house. We'll be in theirs. What if Cate finds out eventually? (by the way-in my real life very few people know-mainly just my family and two close girlfriends-no neighbors-not even our nanny or our extended families).

So yeah-his betrayal makes my life harder and that sucks. And is so unfair. So, as much as I have to live this-I want him to offer an occasional apology. Something that should sound like the one or two that he has said "hey C, I did a horrible, horrible thing...and I'm sorry...." It felt soooo good to hear that. The TWO times that he said it. 

We fought about his not apologizing once-if I demand it-it won't be meaningful, right? 

As I thought about his failure to do this one simple thing...on the way to work one day-I remembered a road rage criminal case that I worked on as a new attorney.  The case involved two college student drivers in S.U.V's trying to work out their hostility towards each other-total strangers-on the road. They chased each other at high speeds cutting each other off here and there. Luckily, it was so late at night that no other cars were on the road. The female cut the other guy off too close and flipped her S.U.V. And died on the scene. Because she had marijuana in her system and alcohol-he only got about a year in prison with the rest of the time to be served on probation. 

One part of his probation-that her family wanted in lieu of more jail time-was that he write a letter to them to apologize every year on the day of her death. Just a simple letter. This and a few other things were all this guy had to do to stay out of prison. After the first year he failed to write the letter. A simple letter. His probation got revoked and he got sent back to prison to serve the rest of a second year. He just couldn't do it.

I wondered, as I drove to work, if maybe K was having the same issues-or if I was merely making excuses for him as I did in the months that led up to this. 

I brought this up to our marriage counselor-and so that's what we talked about. She made me say exactly how his actions made me feel. Which I had never really said out loud to him. About all the hurt and feelings of anger and betrayal. How I had stood by him despite his emotionally checking out of life. Out of our marriage. How I had planned vacations-and flown his dad here and encouraged him to play golf and counseling, etc. 

I didn't plan on sharing the following to protect K's privacy-but if you know about the affair-which is humiliating to K-then you should at least know his response. That doesn't articulate what I am trying to say....hopefully you know what I mean. 

Then the counselor asked K to say how what I said made him feel.  He started talking about how I didn't deserve this and he said a few other things-and the counselor kept probing him- until all of a sudden I could see him sit up and put his face in hands-his face and neck turned even more red than usual and through sobs I heard him-faced covered-say "I just cannot believe that I took the most important person, Christina, and relationship in my life" and "said fuck'it." "That I could be so callous and indifferent to someone who means everything to me....." As he continued to talk through sobs I saw it. His remorse.  That he gets it. I've never seen him so visibly shaken-ever-in our thirteen years together. Ever. 

I still need apologies to continue to forgive and move forward-but now I 'get' why they are slow in coming. 

 

Wordless Wednesday; Cate's Too Busy Too Hate.

For the Second Time In Our Lives My Mom, K & I Shed A Few Tears....

While sitting at the same table. 

The first being when he asked me to marry him in front of my family. 

Also the first time I've ever felt the urge to warmly touch someone and simultaneously slap someone-k-forcefully across his face. 

K, Cate and I went out of town this part weekend. We went to Serenbe-a rural & new urban community that is self-sustaining (where, as an aside, I'd like to move in two-three years)(Either single or happily married to K.)  

Earlier in the week I'd told my mom that K and I planned  to take Cate on a hay ride that ended at the farm where she could pet animals-most notably a week old donkey. 

The day after we got there I noticed that I'd missed three calls from my mom-which was odd because she knew we were out of town.  We walked to the Inn-the only place that I had reception-and called my mom. 

She told me, with only her pride holding back tears, that she'd been laid off from her job-and they'd only given her a few weeks of severance. Which is horrible for a lot of reasons, but that's a whole other very sad post. 

She told me that she wanted to see me to "look over her severance papers" and make sure they were" legally sound." Read: she wanted to see her daughter and that I am an attorney gave her an excuse to. But she didn't "want to bother me" and would "wait to see me" when we got back. 

I begged her to come take the hay ride with us to get her mind off of things, and to see us and Cate.  She declined saying that she was incredibly busy and would just wait to "meet with me." 

My mom's core harbors more pride than anyone I've ever met. She is just one of those people who will never admit that someone-or life-has gotten the better of her.  In her mind-she desperately needed to see an attorney-and that I was her daughter and one of the people she is closest too-and who hugs her the tightest-had nothing to do with it-of course, wink....wink... 

To my and K's-especially K's-when the hay ride was about to begin - my mom pulls into the Inn's parking lot. I don't think this is how K imagined seeing his mother-in-law for the first time after cheating on her daughter. 

They sort of kindly avoided each other during the hay ride. Of course, Cate had gotten up two hours early (at 6:00 a.m. instead of 8:00 a.m. ) for the first time in six months. So, she slept through the entire hay ride and petting zoo. 

Afterwards we decided to grab lunch in the development's village. 

We sat and they made small talk and K and my mom, Lynne, sat as far away from each other as possible and neither would look at each other. While I knew that my mom was angry and hurt by his actions-I didn't really get it until my therapist told me to know that while K betrayed me-his wife- he also betrayed my mother's baby. As a mother--just hearing that-and thinking of Cate made my heart sink. 

All of a sudden K says, "Lynne, I need to tell you  something." While he looked down at the table, he twiddled with his wedding band- and started with "I did a horrible, horrible thing...." just like when he proposed I had a hard time paying attention-it's hard to when so many emotions are pumping through your entire being.

He continued, now while looking into her teary eyes.... "and there are no excuses-and I can never never say anything to undue it. I am sorry that I broke my vows to Christina-your daughter-and betrayed you. "She nor you and her family deserved this...." And "I know that words are meaningless-and I've just got to continue to act on my regret....." I am grateful that Christina's been generous enough to allow me a second chance for now...and I hope that you'll find it in you to do the same...."

His words were genuine. (of course-so were his wedding vows-when he said them...) . My mom said she'd "try to forgive him" but only if his goal in life became removing "the sadness she saw in her daughter's eyes."

While he got himself here-at least he has the courage to own up to his actions-not make excuses-and to swallow what he's done to me. My mom is a hard person to hurt-she isn't a pushover-but she is one of the kindest people on the planet. Who's treated K like one of her own children since our wedding. In fact, she's shown him more love than his own mother. 

It meant a lot to me-and my mom. His seeing-and working to truly understand- the havoc he's caused in my family's life-makes me hopeful about a reconciliation. 

__________

Tell me. Have you ever forgiven someone for this much of a betrayal? What did you do to do that? What did the betrayer do-or not do-to allow you to forgive them-or not? 

A Rose is A Rose By Any Other Name.

Unless you name her Roselei and she gets asked for the rest of her life if she was named for the character in Twilight. And then she is a real pisser. 

Thanks for all of your name suggestions. The names in the comments in my blog have been the best source so far. 

I am struggling to say the least! I know I have 18 weeks -but it will take me 16 to make all the cute things with her name on it. Eeeck. Help. 

Requirements:

No names that begin with K or C. 

Must be cute. And work for an adult. I heart classic names with a cute nickname. 

Cannot be a top ten name-no Madision, Isabella, Sophie/Sophia, etc. Which is too bad cause I love those names. 

I don't mind popular-but I don't want too popular. Cate/Kate was in the 45th 

In the mix-

______________________________________________

Rosabella/Rosebel nn. Rosie

Elisabella nn. izzy, or bella (I nixed this b/c it sounds made up-even though it isn't and is too close to isabella which is number 2 in the country)

Kennedy-K! AAggghhh!

Abigail- I love the Abbi but hate the 'gail.'

Olivia-but I knew an Olivia- in the 7th grade who got pregnant. So, nope. 

Anna-love it. But Cate's middle name is Annalis-so......

Ella-too popular. 

Addison-sounds too much like most popular name in the country-Maddison. 

Claire-K sound

Caroline-my best friend just named her baby that. 

Gracie-love it-but it's too popular. 

Tia?

Eliott-I do like that. what would the nn be?

Simone. I like it. It sounds a little less feminine than I would like. 

Betsy-I like that a lot. What could it be a nickname for?

Anabelle-but is that too close to Annalis? 

See, HELP ME. 

Please. 

Pretty please? 

Why Am I The One Who's Embarrassed?

So, yesterday I went to see my psychiatrist, the specialist in pre & post-natal mental health whom (who? $150,000.00 education and I still don't effin know)(Niobe? anyone?) I've seen for nearly three years. 

I hadn't seen him since I found out that my husband had sex with a stranger. Two days after we saw our baby's heartbeat for the first time. I had cancelled twice before and only went this time because I was almost out of my anti-depressant and I figured now wasn't the time to stop taking it. 

I blew off the other appointments because I couldn't get out of bed in time. Though, I couldn't sleep either. I also realized yesterday that I dreaded-dreaded telling him. And because I live with depression and am pregnant and a mother-I must. 

Maybe we shouldn't be-but my shrink and I are friends. We've talked at length about how 'heavy' our jobs are-how we carry around so many secrets and the troubles of our clients. How awesome his three sons are and how his wife is the boss of him. Our in-laws, student loans, etc. 

I felt like Hillary Clinton-how fvckin embarrassing. Hi, my name is Christina, I am an attorney who lives in a nice house and goes to church on holidays.  And my husband has sex with married high-school principals. On campus. I don't mean that "I am too big time" for my husband to have sex with a stranger. Or maybe I do. I just never thought there would be this much Jerry Springer in my life. 

It was cool that I could tell him who this high school principal lady is. I did to him what so many of my clients do to me-unload their secrets. He couldn't believe it either. 

I also told him that even before all this happened I had started feeling 'heavy.' It was becoming harder and harder to get out of bed. At first I thought it was pregnancy fatigue-but after months of feeling 'heavy' I realized that my depression had set in once again before my husband had sex with a stranger-and obviously this had made it worse. 

I say obviously-honestly-I didn't realize how depressed I really was until I took "Beck's Depression Inventory"  This is for a lot of reasons but namely my mother doesn't believe in depression. And despite the fact that her husband, my dad, and my dad's dad's tried (and one did) kill themselves with a firearm- she really thinks that 'people are about as happy as they make themselves....." And if they went to church they would feel perfectly fine. So, I've internalized that dangerous belief and honestly just feel like I am being lazy when clearly it's depression. 

Anyway, I am rambling. I don't have time to write an organized post. I just want to say that it sucked having to tell someone I like and respect that my life is a live Jerry Springer episode. And that being depressed is miserable enough when you don't have anything to be sad about.....

__________________________________________________

I just now agreed to go to marriage counseling. I wanted him to get his act together before I would even entertain a reconciliation. Our first appointment is tomorrow. Joy! I get to talk about it again. 

I am about to post a new post on the PWP blog. Everyone who has asked should have the PW by now. If you don't -email me. As always, thanks for reading. 

Heaven Help Us.

 I am so excited Shiny is a girl. Two girls seems easier. Definitely cheaper. While I was terribly worried* about Shiny until I saw that she was just fine....my honest-to-God first thought upon finding out Shiny's a girl...."OMG-awesome-I don't have to buy a thing; Less money and time!!!" 

It's funny how practical I've become with my second child. With this pregnancy. Mostly out of necessity. We bought her furniture off of craigslist-it's a $2,000.00 set-real wood from Italy-that we paid $800.00 for-but still. Craigs.list.   My mom asked me what color we were going to paint the nursery-and I thought ..."whaaaa....paint the nursery?" and looked at her like she'd gone off the deep-end. However, K is going to paint it. Because it's a small room and we have a gallon of paint left over from another project. I know. Awful!

This makes me feel incredibly guilty. And that's separate and apart from the ton o'guilt from a surprise SECOND pregnancy.  

All in all, I am so.so.happy. Two baby girls. ((SIGH)).

________________________________________________________

*don't EVER. EVER. read a blog about a pregnant woman who goes into her 18 week u/s to find out that her baby is incredibly sick the night before your 18 weeks u/s. When you've been stressed out of your mind b/c of your stupid husband's cheating and you've not been eating right. And worry everyday that the stress has endangered your little one. Seriously. Click.Away. 

________________________________________________________

Friday Insights.

Soooo......this Friday is the anatomy scan.  Assuming we have a cooperative baby-we should be able to tell the gender.

I think it is a girl. I don't know why-I just do. Which I am ok with-of course. It be neat to have one of each.  But two girls would rock too.  It will save us so.much.money.  Though, I think a boy and Cate would fight less. And since they are going to be 18 months apart.......

Either way-I am just so excited to know even more about this little person.

I've started thinking about names....naming Cate, "Cate"--complicates things. I love-LOVE- Nathenial-but, um "Nate and Cate!" doesn't sound so grand, eh? I also like Natalie. I also like Graham-But then they'd be "Catherine Graham."

I sort of did all I could on Cate's name. That's all I had. In fact, I wish I could use her middle name for baby two's first name. No, I am not kidding. But I think they would eventually figure it out. DAMMIT!

Do you think shiny is a little girl or boy? (I would do a poll-but we both know I am not as cool nor talented as Niobe.)

Care to share some names? If I choose it--I'll use it to name my second born!!! And mail you some chocolate!

Sooooooo.

My friend's baby does have to have open-heart surgery. BUT-apparently it's 'not as big of a deal' as you and I might think. It's scary as hell-but the success rates are incredibly high-and little one's recovery won't take as long as we thought. In fact, little one will only be in the hospital for four days. 

Which means that my friend won't have to put off her residency again. My poor friend. She won't say it-but now that her surprise baby is here-I don't think she wants to be a doctor. Or at least not enough to justify working 90 hour weeks for three years. But when ya got $180,000 in loans......

K and I are doing great. He's in counseling, I'm in counseling and he is really, really, trying. He even read "The Five Languages of Love." I asked him too, of course, but still. It is the cheesiest book on the planet that YOU MUST READ.  The guy's theory is that not all of us receive love the same way. So if our partners show love by cooking, "an act of service," and we need our partners to tell us that they love us "words of affirmation"--then we all end up frustrated. It.is.so.cheesy. And written on a seventh grade level--but I am telling you everyone I know who has read agrees-it will change your relationships. 

Even though we are doing great-I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am worried sick that he is just doing what it takes to "fix it."  Or that there is something I don't know.  I still have a hard time believing that it was one time. Though he swears. And admits that he would have done it again had I not caught him. And he told me other things that I would have never known. And he's been completely transparent. 

Right now I am trying to mourn the loss of our marriage-in a way-and just concentrate on Cate and Shiny.  I remind myself often that just because I have stayed for the moment doesn't mean I can't leave in six months. Or next year. 

______________

Many of you have emailed me for the PW and I just haven't gotten around to it. Sorry! And I am so behind on reading everyone's blogs. Bad blogger. No cookie.