i.e. What to say to your friend when their spouse has an affair. Like infertility- even well-meaning comments can burn. What you'll notice is that-all of you say the right things in the comments. Funny, huh? Though, after all these years of great support and advice- I shouldn't be surprised.
How To Support Your Betrayed Friend/Mother/Brother/Sibling/Colleague When Their Significant Other Has An Affair
SAY.
1. This wasn't your fault. (
Study after study shows this.) Happily married people have affairs everyday. Ask them "Were you ever unhappy? Did you cheat?"
2. Of course he is selfish/thoughtless/evil/a jerk. i.e. validate, validate, validate.
3. You couldn't have known. Affairs demand deception.
4. That they are about to find out how strong they are. That you know this about them.
5. Tell them to get individual counseling.
6. Tell them that you will support them whether they leave or stay.
7. Tell them that if there are details about the affair that they don't want to share with anyone else--that they can with you and you will be their vault.
8. You didn't deserve this.
9. This is about him/her and *their* emotional problems.
10. No, you're not weak if you consider staying. (but only if they say it first). Lots of marriages survive infidelity-when the cheater is remorseful, honest and willing to change--and proves this willingness with action.
11. You have every right to walk away-children or not. (but only if they say it first-I am beating a dead horse-no?)
12. You are not alone. (the best support I've found by far is www.survivinginfidelity.com)
13. Of course it's okay for you to leave/stay--but only if they say it--i.e. don't recommend either-just validate.
14. Tell them not to leave the house-they didn't have the affair-their s/o did. (and this has legal consequences).
15. Tell them that it's okay to want to burn the cheaters clothes/fire bomb their vehicle, to confront the other person in person--but urge them not to because this can have horrible legal consequences-especially in regards to custody.
16. Tell them to talk to a divorce attorney whether or not they intend to divorce. The best one in town (it will conflict the cheater out of the best attorney, show the cheater that they mean business-and if someone has cheated on you--you don't know what else they've done-plus, obviously, they don't have your best interests-or your children's in mind.) They'll pay up to $400.00 for a consult--but it will be the best money they spend. And the fact is-if you find out you are married to a cheater-you have to consider divorce.
Do.
1. Invite yourself over the first night after d-day--and bring food. You may have to force it-the last thing I wanted was to entertain anyone-and I almost told them not to come-but I was so happy they did. This would never would have occurred to me to do for a friend in my situation--but I can't tell you how much it saved me when two dear friends did this for me.
I hadn't eaten or slept in over 24 hours-and I wanted to just go to bed and cry myself to sleep.
Two dear friends-one with a home cooked meal (enough to last for days) and another with fries, chocolate and ice cream showed up. Oh, and animal crackers in case "I wanted to bite the head off of something." I can't tell you how much that night meant to me--it was the best meal I'd ever had in my life. They also made fun of all his emails- to his mistress-and helped me change all his email passwords to unflattering names. Believe it or not we laughed for a long time. I went to bed knowing that I wasn't alone. And that I was very much loved.
2. Tenderly try to imply that they aren't being advocate for themselves if they aren't."Hmmmm....do you think you are sticking up for yourself? Is what he doing to you fair?" Women, especially, are bad not to stick up for themselves or hold the cheater accountable.
3. Call them often. My brother calls me everyday and if I don't pick up-leaves this voice mail " Hey Chris, it's your bro-I know you can't/may not be able to talk but if you want to I'm here. You don't have to call me back-I know you're busy-but I am going to call everyday just in case you need to talk."
4. Invite them places just in case they don't want to be alone-for the first time in a long time- but understand if they say no-and keep inviting them.
5. Give them my email if they want someone to talk to- christina.apronstrings@gmail.com.
Don't
1. Say you know exactly how they feel-because thankfully you don't.
2. Suggest that they 'try giving staying together a chance' or that "at least you can work it out" or "do it for the children." Because, this makes the betrayed feel like the worst thing that's ever happened to them--doesn't matter. And we are already thinking this. If not beating ourselves over the head with it.
3. Say that you know what you would do-because you don't.
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I am behind on sending out the log in information. But if you want the PW and haven't emailed me in the last week please do at: christina.apronstrings@gmail.com.