apron strings

in which she uses the word 'ginormous' a lot.

i am getting soooooo big.  luckily, k asked if he could call me big'un, so that i could tell him "uh, no."* my ginormity is making it harder than ever to get around. it's not just my belly. last saturday i bought a queen latifah brand bra. 40DDD the largest they sell. queen latifah bra, people. and oh how i wish mine were as beautiful as hers. i don't see how my large, light blocking boobs with ginormous deep brown nips aren't going to frighten her. seriously, imagine being her. sitting there helpless as these ginmours, ligh-blocking, blimp like things with ginormous round circles descend to her tiny head.

i went to two courts yesterday, which means parking and walking a long way. getting through security, walking up and down stairs and standing. a lot. yesterday, it was 96 degrees here and with humidity, it felt like a steam room.

i am frantically trying to finish the nursery. i have got to show you pics. it's adorable, if i do say so myself. sans pink or baby blue, too.

so, i am sleeping, trying to work, climbing stairs slowly, not sleeping. which means not blogging so much. i am reading when i can. know that.

though, i am happier than i have ever been in my life. since i cut out milk i have ZERO nauseousness. and we'll we've waited so long. i think that makes all of this much more bearable.

i have got to post pictures. at this point it is outright comical.

*k is such a sweetie when it comes to my being pregnant. and largess. he is constantly telling me i am beautiful, etc. but we both make funny comments, because well, it is funny.

a infertile shower.

so, last saturday, i was given a very sweet and thoughtful shower. it's so weird to be this pregnant and for someone to host for you an even that you long avoided like the plague.

before the shower, i had my hair cut and had them put it up so that i could feel something other than large. as fate would have it, an infertile, who recently endured a second unsuccessful IVF, ended up there too. i didn't want her to see me-because i am obvioulsy pregnant and preparing for some event which she would surely ask me about. and i don't care how nice and selfless an infertile who has just endured a second fruitless cycle-it would have bummed her out. this led to this text conversation with another, now pregnant infertile:

++

me: m is at hair place! across from me. she can't see me. i am in a tight stork shirt. and i am having my hair put up. fvck.fvck.fvck.

friend:oh yuck!

me:i know! help! she may see me-not saying hello is even worse.

me: wwjd. oh wait, you're a jew. : )

friend:you have to say hello if she sees you.

+++ 

i hope that doesn't seem mean. were her feelings not in question-i would have given her the biggest hug and would have loved to chat with her. but why add more sadness to her day? thank goodness-somehow she never ended up seeing me. PHEW!

anyway, the generosity of many people-most notably the hosts-reminded me of how lucky i really am. again, i am reminded of the video of the fireman who perished on 9/11 standing in his kitchen, with his family, saying, "man, how lucky am i, how.lucky.am.i" indeed.

my hosts were so sweet-lots of cupcakes because as you may know, i cooked cupcakes weekly and ate cupcakes three times a day the month i got pregnant. and they specially made me french fries which i have eaten nearly everyday of this pregnancy to starve off nauseousness. with a side of ranch, of course.

one of the hosts, is the nice internet woman that invited me out the night that i was so upset from IVF delay number 5. we've become fast friends. she 'gets it" as only a m/c'er and an IVF'er would.

as did the other infertiles. at first we were quiet and avoided "how do you all know each other" questions, but soon we were making everyone laugh with our tales of going to the RE and sperm talk at  public restaurants which once made our twenty something male waiter blush and swiftly walk away.

as it happens, all three of the infertiles were pregnant. i am due in september, one of the hosts in october and the other in november, as a message of hope--know that they all suffered and lost hope and, like you,  tried for years at much expense and m'/c'ed along the way.

here are some pics.more to come later.

me. but bigger.me with host. who is due in october. another IF surviver.

um, it looks like we have a snarky little one and a k look alike.

her official comment on the RE who, when she was 5 weeks old, said that "her yolk sac was measuring small" and that "it didn't look good."  L-O-S-E-R.

the best news? she is head down and snuggled in tight.

my favorite-dimples anyone?

needed:some last minute advice.

so, my 4 d u/s tomorrow!!!!

 

Any advice?!?!? I am so excited, though it feels like she is soooo tight in there, that i am worried i won't be able to see her, especially her face. I'm going to get them to look at:

1. if she is still a girl (maybe she's had a sex change?) 

2. of course, if she is head down. i think (???) she is-and my doc says if she is, she probably won't move.

should i--
do anything to prepare, caffiene? water? neither?

too much to say for wordless wednesday.

i was going to be one of the cool kids and post a picture instead of a blog for wordless wednesday. but all i have are pictures of us, some random mountains in wyoming, and the eiffel tower. BORING!

AND

i have two things to say. though, no time to say them in so i am reaaaaallllly lame. because i am going to have a barely blogged wednesday.

 

1. i know it seems like social progress is slow, but it is changing. i went to the most.conservative.high.school. ever. in newt gingrich's district. it was and is a public school. we had a daily prayer. that had a lot of 'jesus' in it. how fun for jews! it had an enormous football stadium, with a perfectly sodden field. only because footballers and cheerleaders got out of classes to sod it. the entire art department, where i spent most of my days, consisted of a small, windowless room. with no ventilation.

the weirdest thing about my school-and even though i was young i knew it wasn't right. there were no black people. in a class of 766. okay, there's was one. chris. which in georgia, is just plain weird. but it was not only a conservative school, but a conservative school in a very conservative county.do you happen to remember the county in the U.S. that refused to allow (in the 90's!!!) a play about AIDS be held at a public theater? Even after the 1996 olympic committee said that the olympics would boycott said county if they persisted? Yep, that county. (and they did persist and lost millions of dollars). 

the highschool that i went to was mceach.ern high school. where bar.ack o'b.ama spoke yesterday. i know that doesn't mean everything, i just hope it means that we are getting somewhere that's at least a little better.

 

2. i had my ob appointment yesterday. the ob "thinks that she is head down." we have a 4d ultrasound tomorrow, which i am very excited about! and i hope, hope, hope, that the doctor is right. i think it is her feet that keep kicking the top of my stomach--cate's not the doc's :  ). the doctor thinks that if she is head down now that she will likely not move. which is good is she is and bad if she isn't. : ) or  :  (

(of course, i want a healthy baby-and that is bigger than any stupid lottery. or vag birth-but i'd like to be able to spend more time with her and not have to have major surgery.)

belly pictures. 31 weeks.

i am in disbelief to be 31 weeks pregnant. it's crazy. i am still worried that it won't work out. though, i try not to focus on that.

i will probably blog less in the coming weeks. of course, i still have 1,000 more projects to sew. including the nursery drapes, basket liners and a quilt.

*

 

*

 

*

 

*

because she asked me to.

and i like her.

so.....

1. what were you doing 10 years ago?

having the worst.summer.ever. i was spending the summer with k in L.A.he was teaching in compton. we never fought more than we did that summer. we and our relationship were immature. our biggest problem was his roommate. who hated me. because he lived off of his parent's trust fund for him and i was working my way through school. he 'worked' as an actor. which meant that he sat around the apartment watching reruns of 90210. he was a sad story-he knew, theortically, the importance of hardwork-that's how his parents made the $ to give him the trust fund. but since it had never been expected of him he, apparently, disliked those of us lucky enough to know what it felt like. and! even though he is now married -i swear he was in love with k. in part for the same reason he hated me. what a mentally complicated summer.   

 2. what 5 things are on your to do list today?

-work

-go home to sew and perfrm other frantic acts to get ready for baby.

-badger k until he comes home from work-he worked 90 hours last week!

-pamper k when he comes home. poor thing. i made him an amazing key lime pie. it's real so it tastes like air. not meriangue.

-maybe not today-but i have so got to post some sewing creations-especailly those involving olivia the pig.

3. what are some snacks you enjoy?

-pistachios -watermelon

-strawberries with fresh homemade cream. 

 

4. what would you do with a billion dollars?

-give to my favorite charities that are highly rated by my favorite charity evaluator-www.charitynavigator.org

my favs are:

The Innocence Project-

they've freed over 100 people who were either facing the death penalty or serving life sentences because DNA proved that they could not have committed the crime. (that's micheal williams holdingg the $10. check he got when released after serving 24 years for a crime that he did not commit.)(so, what is that per day?)

Emily's List- an org that exists to help get democratic women elected to national postions.

I would then give a lot of money locally to one charity-like the boys and girls club. i wouldn't care about anything named after me, as in the "the apronstrings wing." though, i would want to have a lot of say in how it was used. actually-that's so much money, i'd have to form a foundation to do research, etc to even know where to best use it.

-i would NOT give my child (ren) an inheirtance.

-of course i'd buy a family farm. big enough for the families in my immediate family to have turkey hill estates on them.

-an apartment for our wee family in grenwich village and one on the left bank, too.   

 

-i would give most of it way. i think half of us are only moral because we don't have that kind of money. and i don't want to find out which half i am.

5. list the places you have lived:

kessler air force base mississippi.

rural georgia

tucson, arizona

denver, colorado

big bend national park (a walk across the rio grande)

istanbul. turkey 

NYC metro area.

6. list the jobs you have held

-grocery store cashier

-pizza maker at dominoes

-ice cream scooper

-photo developer (dear frat boys-why are you all so proud of your poop and members that you find the need to take pcitures of them? i mean, really?)

-sandwich maker

7. list the people you'd like to know more about:

her. her. her.

 

this is a confession.

that i am not proud of-

i am uncomfortable, in real life, around fertiles who are pregnant. and infertiles who are not. i know. i can't help it. of course, i don't let myself get away with the second-by not being around infertiles who aren't pregnant. because.that's.just.lame.

truth be told-i had a most fabulous weekend with a friend who i met, two years ago, on the internet through an infertility chat room. her and her husband came in from out of town, and stayed with k and myself so that we could all go to a braves game. i felt fine all weekend. well, most of the time. because in addition to their not being pregnant, she got pregnant with me. and, then miscarried. i think we even had the same due date. i know, how much did that suck!

while it worked out, i did fret the entire week leading up to her visit. i de-babied the house as much as possible. i put everything in the nursery and shut the door. i had planned on wearing very loose clothing, but seeing as i am the size of a small european country- um, yeah, i couldn't hide it.

i tried not to talk about the baby unless asked. i didn't not get k to feel my belly when cate started kicking like crazy during the game. i think it was the noise.

though, were i her, and i had i asked her-i am sure i wouldn't have needed to go to such lengths. though, you never know, and god forbid i turn into one of those people.

 

i think one of the reasons i can get uncomfortable around infertiles who are not pregnant-is that i am so freakin' awkward to begin with. witness a conversation between myself and a fellow, nonpregnant infertile at home depot:

***

me: hi. how are you?

friend:   good.

me:oh, well, i guess i shouldn't ask you that-that sucks that your cycle just failed. i mean really sucks..

me:OMG! i am sorry i just rubbed my belly. it was an accident i didn't mean....

friend:her, it's ok while clearly trying to get away from me.

***

yeah. while i hope i learned something from that conversation-i am still who i am. awkward. i don't like suriving.  i mean, i do. of course. i don't like suriving alone.  

in fact, if you are an infertile blogger- and you are having a bad day-or admit to hating pregnant women (which i was so proud of one you for doing) i won't comment. or, if you link to one of us that has just had a negative cycle or a miscarriage, i will not comment, in fear that that blogger will find my blog and see that i am pregnant. and really, there are times, when we don't need to see some things, no?

i don't know why i feel so awkward. or why i am so awkward.i think it's survival guilt. or the longing to have you here with me. for all of you to be pregnant.

all the months that we were trying, i was honestly thrilled with every pregnancy. i never once stopped reading-or even wanted to.

it concerns me-because i love my infertile friends. because they're not infertile. they're attorneys, creative types, engineers, PhDer's, professors, etc. who happen to be infertile. i don't know what it is-but do you ever feel like some of the most interesting people have infertility?

i guess i'll get used to it. because all an infertile needs is more isolation. or, for me to decide what they can and can't handle. don't i at least own them the chance to level with me before i avoid them?

so, if you are in the trenches, how do you prefer those of us who somehow won the lottery to handle ourselves? do you want to be invited to showers? or, would you like to be skipped? or, should we send you the invite and let you decide?

what about when you are having a bad infertility day-how do you feel about a pregnant blogger leaving a comment?

for those who are out for the moment- what do you do?

on family.

For the NaComLeaMo commenter's. A background.

before i say anything else, i must tell you that k got that long awaited promotion. thank goodness. he instantly turned from grumpy curmudgeon to the sweet guy that i married. it shouldn't have effected him that much.but it did. it's over. he read that post--which is odd-because he very rarely-as in once a year- reads my blog. it made him see what a complete jerk he had been to us  (can i just tell you how happy i am every time i refer to my family as "us.")the promotion is better than either of us had even hoped. they said that they didn't place him sooner, because the other positions would have been a waste of his talent.

my brother is being so mean to my mom. he feels like she doesn't see his children-her grandchildren enough. by saying things like "why do you need a bigger car, it's not like you ever see your grandchildren" in front of people!!!! humilation=an awful way to handle conflict. she sees them about once a month. and she lives about 20 minutes away. what makes that less than stellar performance look so bad-is that my sister-in-law's parents-the other grandparents-pretty much spend every day with them. the grandmother watches the kids and grandpa is over there every day.

what frustrates me is that my brother likes to believe that human behavior springs out of a vacuum. that is, he refuses to even try to understand why my mother acts the way she does. one, my mom, does not live through  her children. she has a life. for once in her llife she is happily married. she, unlike the other grandmother, works and was a single mom for 18 years, starting at age 22. so basically, she was pinned down with little ones for twenty years. i know she loved us-and she has never complained, but you know she wanted to.

also, my brother forgives the other grandmother for more and worse indiscretions. other grandmother is a recovering alcoholic who once drank with the children in the car! he forgives her for so much, "because she has had a hard life." well, my mother's life wasn't a tad easier. in fact, until 44 it sucked. bad husbands, poverty and no.way.out. that came just after a terribly hard childhood.

moreover, my mom doesn't like going to their house-because the other grandmother is always there and is outright mean to my mom. she constantly reminds my mom that she spends more time with the kids " essentially, that she is a better person. i, trying to make my mom feel better, have said that she should never let a person, who has woken up nude and drunk in her neighbors yard, influence her mood. (that was three years ago-but still). i say that out of anger, i believe in recovery; that people can change.

my question is- should i continue to stay mum?

k's parents are giving every indication that they plan on being barely involved in cate's life. k 's parents raised a great son, with lots of sacrifice, only to barely communicate with him after 21. they have never come to see us. his father did once! for a day. in ten years. they even made it clear for various reasons (read excuses) that we couldn't come see them for christmas. for the past three years.

this is incredibly upsetting to k. he needs a dad. parents. they barely ask about cate.

oddly, i have a better relationship with his parents and his brothers than he does. of course, his brothers couldn't care less about their soon to be niece. i bet they have forgotten that we are even pregnant. k's dad and i are on good terms, in fact, it was my guilt trip that made him come see k. the one time. i also made k and his brother hug once when they were saying goodbye at the airport. they are that kind of family. and i am that kind of daughter-in-law.

i expend a lot of effort to involve them (i did this blog www.raisingcate.typepad.com) just for them. basically. i send them pictures of all ultrasounds. still, i can't get a hint of interest.

i want to say something, in a very nice, nonthreatneing way, to k's dad. i am good at that. (i suck at jokes and losing weight....) k won't. k doesn't believe that people change. though, he stands amazed at my mother's relationship with me. which i turned around. i honeslty don't think that k would mind if i did. but maybe it would make his family hate me. hate cate? is it too soon? should i cross that bridge? maybe i should wait grand babies can heal a lot of relationships.

queastion-should i kindly talk to k's dad? or stay mum. all laura bush like?

i did it to myself.

i wrote this long post yesterday. and then i think i deleted it on accident. i blame it on my bloody eye!

the jest was that:

1. why pretend to not be pregnant-in a less than stellar physical state-when you are? i expect young un's and men to give me their seat. i park in expecting mom parking. 

2. being pregnant and showing has proved to me that most people are good. they are. i don't have the time to list every act of kindness that others have bestowed on me since i started showing. suffice it to say it would weaken the hardest cynic among us.

3. most notably, a neighbor-who i don't even know that well- after seeing my bloody eye-insisted on giving me her iron prescription. she got her doctor to write a new one for her! she is going to go pick it up every month and refuses to let my even pay her co-pay.

she has already given me samples. which means that i have not thrown up in two days. phew.